Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next 

hole.The ball hit one of the men.He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in 

agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediatelybegan to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I 

know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' theman replied. He was in 

obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to 

help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and 

artful massage for severallong moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... 

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." 

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." 

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays we get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no big gie, you're already dead, remember?" 

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." 

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." 

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." 

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No...!"

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

Radio Station Competition....

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.... One of the FM

stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three

personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three

questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1--When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr...about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K....O.K....On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in room--much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it

O.K. for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,

say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions

we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to

Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K....About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for

Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway...just

tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh....alright....Up the ass!

Radio Silence

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Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and

sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday.

Now we'll take a music break.

Smelling powers of a Blind man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. 

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. 

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." 

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. 

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." 

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." 

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

Santa in Paris

Santa, furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine. As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful attractive young lady came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.

 He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these languages. 

 So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

 After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

 They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

 Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed. Would you believe....?

 

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Till this day, Santa has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!! !